We are home now and as I ponder these thoughts I realize I have not been lazy... nor have my kids been. I am just not the SuperMom I have built up the expectation that I try to be. My mother-in-law called me a SuperMom recently and while that is an honor it is just not real. I am just a normal mom trying to make it through. Now, what is it that makes me so hard on myself? Part of it is a high expectation for myself and part of it is not being able to control all that can sometimes change in a blink of an eye. Another part is finding out sad news and not realizing how much it affects you until it manifests itself in a moment of depression. These are a few of my thoughts and "change of schedule" moments this week that threw me into momentary depression and self-pity:
- I ran into a special lady from my former church and the switch has been a recent one. I miss those people!.. and love those people!... and one of those people died and was buried the day before without me knowing!... He had just found out he had leukemia and suddenly died of a heart attack. Obviously, God was ready to see him! This man was a co-worker of my Daddy's years ago and I am reminded of the little toy that is in my car that he purchased upon Sierra's birth. Sahara enjoys it now. He is my Daddy's age. If you follow my blog you may remember that my Daddy had a heart attack recently. He survived. This makes me more aware of the possiblity we could have faced with my own daddy.
- I did not get all my laundry done and I know that will now consume part of my weekend and once again my husband will feel he has to chip in on that. I know he would like to relax some, too.
- I thought I would be running out for some daytime visits with friends, but upon hearing about my plans my husband wanted to go. A great thing, but that changed the plan to evening and weekend visits. I am thankful he wants to be with us and our friends!!! He so desires those getaways more than I do sometimes. He is a "GO-go-goer" and NEEDS to get out of the house. We could not leave him behind. And it looks like some of that weekend visiting might be changing again to avoid a sickness... Hmmmmm... ;) .. not sure, yet.
- Today I was supposed to teach a young girl some sewing and we had to change that. We will do it next week, but I wanted to spend the day sewing with my kids, too. My fault... I did not do it.
- The very appointment that made me realize that I wanted to take the three days off... well, I cancelled that today, also. See, I just do not think that I want to go to the doctor's office with the Swine Flu thing going on. The first U.S. death was in Houston only two hours aways from where we live. That nine month check-up is not gonna happen!! We have never skipped a well check, but I just do not want a well check to turn into a get virus visit.
Is any of it a big deal? No. To me right now everything is a big deal and then, I feel ridiculous. I hate to let people down. And I have hardly been home ... or still long enough to get the things done that I sometimes aspire to do. So, this is me... REAL ... with all my imperfections and crazy thoughts... and crazy depressed moments... and then, sane or somewhat sane, again! :)
He turned the water into wine
Looking back I see the many times
He made the simple things divine
With the touch of your hand
You changed this heart of mine...
Song Reference: Water Into Wine by Kathy Troccoli
Thank you Lord for turning my bad into good!!