Life is Like a Dance

My oldest daughter says I should blog, again.  I really did not mean to stop but life is busy and things happen.  Not all things are good, so not all things inspire us to keep writing.  I guess in the midst of some rough times I just really did not feel like "talking".  It's time to talk, I suppose.  I know at one point I shared about my third miscarriage (this month is the two year anniversary of that miscarriage).  I started blogging again some time after that and after we had made the decision to move.  I shared some of the beginnings of our new life on our our SIX acres (so, I really need to update my blog cover page).  It was shortly after that I had my fourth miscarriage.  I really closed up in many ways... the blog was one of those.  That has been well over a year now.  I can hardly believe the time has passed.  In many ways I have healed emotionally but in many ways I am very broken.  It's like a dance of two steps forward, one step back.  I have realized that each miscarriage in my life has escalated panic attacks for me.  I can wake up like today thinking I am going to do big things... and then, the sense that "I can't" creeps in and I sit frozen in a panic attack.  I guess I no longer feel "capable".  I used to feel like I could do anything I set my mind to.  Now, I just don't feel like I can.  I have never really felt that way so I don't know how to fix it.  It is a day to day walk for me.  In many ways I have learned to move forward, but again it is like that dance... two steps forward and one back.  I have come so far but I have so far to go. 

Living The Dream.... Yet, We Want to Move

This is our
Dream House.

We are living the dream.

The first time we saw this house we were thinking that this house was straight out of Southern Living magazine.

We knew this was the home that we wanted all our children to bring our grandchildren home to visit us at.  And yes, our oldest was only eight months old when we moved in here but we still had that vision.

But now, we have it listed for sale.  It is still our dream home.  It is the home that we still think is amazing and beautiful, full of character and charm, full of room to roam the spacious rooms.  

But our dream is changing... or we think.  I truly am not trusting God to work this out.  I think we need to simplify our life.  A big and old house like this can come with a lot of upkeep and we are raising five children.  We want to pour our time into our children and not into things.  This amazing home is a thing.  I will admit... my heart is not settled on this completely.  I have to go through a mental checklist an remind myself why I am doing this.  

It comes down to this... how can we give our family the best life?  I think that is by simplifying.  I think we need to get rid of a lot of the stuff we are holding on to and cluttering our lives with.  And, I don't think that will happen with just getting rid of the stuff within the walls.  There are many projects we still want to do here and we have been doing projects for the 12 years we have lived here.  We did a temporary remodel of the kitchen years ago on a low budget.  We want to do another remodel.  We want to pull up the deck and concrete that and put stone around the bottom perimeter of the house around the deck area.  We would love to have a carport or garage for our cars and a place to keep the kids bikes and outdoor toys.  And we want to remodel the master bathroom (maybe).  These projects don't have to be done, but they are things we will do if we stay here.  

Our thinking is that if we get a place with more land our children will have room to roam the land and we could have them in a safer area.  We could downsize our square footage and have less to maintain for day to day cleaning.  Our utilities would also be lower.  We also like the idea of the kids being on one level of the home. 

We think this will be a worthy trade off.  I truly believe that simplifying our life this way would be honoring God.  I don't know what God's will or plan for us is, though.  That is what we want.  If we are supposed to stay here then, we will.  If not, I trust that He will work it out.      

A Few Things Growing in MY Backyard

It is amazing the feeling you get when you plant things and watch them grow!  I highly recommend you plant something even if you don't want to be a gardener or a homesteader.  Pick one thing and just plant it.  You will be amazed as you watch it grow. 

 

These are grapes... in MY backyard!!! One day they look like these dead vines and suddenly they begin to sprout growth and get leaves and a few weeks later you suddenly spot these amazing little clusters of tiny flowers that become eensy, weensy little grapes.  I live in Southeast Texas and I have never seen anyone grow grapes in their backyard.  I just assumed it was not possible.  Guess what?!  It is!!!  Just because other people do not grow something in your area does not mean it can not be done.  So, if there is something you are wanting to grow in your backyard please do not assume it is not possible.  Instead, get on your computer and start searching... or read a book... whatever works for you.  Find the plant you want to try and then check what zone it grows well in.  It is best to trust that and pick a variety that works well in your area.  You might love Red Delicious Apples, but they may not be good for your area.  That does not mean you can not grow an "apple".  For me that means I needed to plant Gala Apples and I also needed to plant an Ein Shiemer Apple (small hard green apples) to be a pollinator for the Gala.  The grape bush in this picture is a Champanel Grape.  I will be honest I really did not do my research.  I was thinking we would be eating these little treasures right off the vine.  It turns out they are more of a wine or jelly making type grape, but that is okay because..... 

I HAVE GRAPES GROWING IN MY BACKYARD!!!  

Seriously, it is just amazing to watch them grow.  Since then I have also planted two other varieties: Venus Grape (good for table eating, wine, & jelly) and Lakemont Grape (sweet green table eating). 

These little gems are Goldmine Nectarines.  Oh my gosh... they are so sweet!  The birds think so, too.... unfortunately.  But that is okay.  Planting these things is something you have to be willing to invest time in... and I don't mean just your personal, hard working "time" in planting and nurturing it.  I mean, you have to be willing to WAIT while your trees (and all your plants) have time to mature and strengthen and produce more.  Planting is not merely for what you will get now.  It is somewhat of a "time investment".  If you wait it out, eventually your time investment should pay off.  We are blessed that this small tree has produced last year and this year already, and this is only its second year in the ground.   We won't really get more than a few nibbles this year, but that is okay.  The birds don't know we planted this here for our OWN selfish enjoyment.  There are probably 20-30 nectarines on it and they are already ripening even though they are very small.  That's all fine... remember its a time investment.... right now this tree is maturing for a big harvest in our future. 

This is one of my four varieties of blueberries.  I went a little overboard!  I had bought two Tif Blue , one Premier, and one Brightwell blueberry bushes and then, I went to a local plant nursery that had locally grown blueberry bushes for sell for a mere $3 each.  I snatched up three Rebel Blueberry plants.  That is SEVEN blueberry bushes... I guess you could say we have one for each person in the house.  Ooops!  When they get larger we may be in the Blueberry business!!!  This is another fruit that the birds are beating us to, but once again we must remember this is a "time investment" type of thing.  One day I am sure there will be plenty for the birds and us.  

Amaryllises!  Nope, I can not eat these, but I certainly can enjoy them.  I am a lily lover!!  I have quite a variety growing in my backyard.  This is one thing I must recommend... stop fighting planting annuals and start investing in some perennials.  Perennials will come back year after year and are very easy to grow. 










The pic below is a new raised bed that we put in for growing veggies.  If you look close you will see some lilies starting to sprout up that I snuck in the there.  ;)

Not everything we grow should be for our physical nourishment.  Our heart and soul needs some nourishment, too!  This is one of my irises in my lily garden (a.k.a. the weed garden).  My lily garden is wild and unruly and has a mix of whatever I stuck in the ground.  I did not plan at all.  I just planted.  Most of it has been lilies that have been shared from a friend or transplanted from somewhere.  It is my little patch of craZy and I love it.  At this time it amazing, but by the time late Summer or Fall come around it is quite messy and I just get the mower out and mow it all down.  Every year it is faithful to come back up.  I can not tell you the times I have looked out my window to find a beautiful lily emerging just as I have really needed a lift in my spirit.  God is amazing!  He has such creativity and I am so glad I get to grow some of His creations in MY very own backyard!!  

I am sharing this post on the following Blog Hops:
(click on the pic to go to the host site)

 

 

Sleep... Elusive Sleep

 Sahara at age 2 "sleeping" with her babies

Do you sleep?  I just don't seem to sleep enough.  I go through times when I sleep well (maybe it is pure exhaustion).  Right now I seem to be is a season of sleeplessness.  Part of it stress regarding decisions that need to be made in my life right now.  Part of it is that my husband is a night owl with an extreme case of ADHD and he stays up late entertaining himself which keeps me awake.  Part of it is my need to feel like I keep the hubby company.... even though I really should just go to bed.  

And then, there are those times that my husband wakes me up just because he is awake.  For instance, one of the children awaken needing to go potty and that child wakes HIM up.  For whatever reason he feels like he has to tell me.  The problem is that five minutes later he is sleeping and snoring and I am awake for the next hour unable to go back to sleep.  

And then there are the normal pregnancy issues that keep a person up.... potty time due to a shrunken, squished bladder.  Sometimes the back get is a weird kink and you have to find that comfortable position.  I am not even halfway so this is not too much of an issue for me, yet... as long as I sleep on my side of the bed.  If my husband gets too close his weight pushes the mattress down and I wake up with a twisted, kinked back.  And I sleep lighter knowing I have a baby inside to protect... from the feet of a kicking two year old that is often lying beside me in my bed (but she is great to snuggle up to and her mere touch can relax me and make me sleepy... so there are a few bonuses).  

And then, there is the loneliness that creeps in at night.  I wish I was not saying this because it sounds so dramatically depressing, but the reality is that this bigger family living with all it's little people all around can be very lonely while the rest of the world and many friends and family shut you out.  I find the loneliness hits me when I lay my head down to sleep.  I wish it were not so, but to night that is one of the things keeping me awake.... combined with the hubby waking me up. 

Getting the Day Off to a Good Start: Sticking to The Plan

Let me just say that having a solid plan works.  It is not always fun, but it does work.  My days with all my crew go so much better when we follow the rules.  So, here is a little peak into how our "little" family does it on the days that we don't bend the rules:

Hubby is up between 6:00-6:30 a.m. and it varies because he is a snooze master.  He is going to hit that snooze button as much as he can get by with.  Ha!

I am sometimes up before him and sometimes I sleep a bit longer, but for the most part I am an early riser.  No alarm or snooze button required. 

After my hubby dresses he awakens the two older ones to get their day started.  This is what they are supposed to do:

• Dress, do hair, etc.
• Feed animals (depending on weather we sometimes do this a little later since we have systems set up to provide constant water and food for the animals)
• Start their schooling

 Hubby goes to work approximately 7:00 a.m..

I let my littles wake up on their own since they do not have heavy work loads and I think little kids need rest.  Usually, I have some early risers and some that sleep late.

When everyone is awake we have breakfast together.

After that each person has there own order.  The older girls do their schooling and come to me as needed for assistance.  My little play and we randomly gather for school.  Sienna tags along and plays or colors mostly during the littles (K and 1st grade) school time. 

Usually I have some laundry going and I clean at things all day long.... all day... never ending.  ;)

Mostly school should be done by lunch, but is not always.  Lunch is usually at noon.

The afternoon continues with completing what needs to be completed (school or whatever).

Dinner is sometime between 5:00-7:00 p.m. and I like it to be on the early side of that, but as life has changed I have had to realize that some rules have to bend or I will stress out over dinner. 

This is just our basic schedule.  I know it lacks detail, but it is a glimpse of how our days go.

Getting the Day Off to a Good Start: Bending My Own Rules

This post should be about my strict schedule because really that is what works best for getting the day off to a good start around here.  And then there are days like today.....

I have been up since long before dawn because I have been having some insomnia lately.  This morning every one has slept in and I needed the quiet.  And as I have sat here in the quiet a steady rain has come and gone and now I am watching out the windows as a squirrel runs about my deck and stops to nibble on some found treasure.

The past few days have been busy and I have been a bit tired.  Friday we took a little field trip to a local fire station and that night my two oldest had birthday parties to attend in two separate towns at the same time (sigh).  Saturday night was a church Youth group hayride party and the whole family attended.  Of course, Sunday morning was church and after church one of my kids had church play practice while the rest of us were upstairs for a Youth Group Worker Meeting.  Later my husband went back for a Youth drama class he is teaching and later than that he went out with some men from church.  It was a full weekend.

So, now I sit and even at 8:17 a.m. I still have four kids sleeping.  My radical 5 year old has been awake for about 10 minutes and as usual she is demanding things and complaining.  She is so not a morning person!  But nonetheless I am starting this morning out with a good start and relaxing in spite of her trying to disrupt the quiet.  It is great training for her that momma does not give in to her tantrums.  ;) 

Sometimes you just need the quiet to start a day... without rigid schedules and all the rules.  We need time to wind down... time to relax... time to ponder our thoughts... time to think straight.  So, that is how I am starting my morning. 

Burning the Midnight Oil

... is not a wise choice!  I have got to start getting to bed earlier.  This is a real challenge in our home.  My husband has a hard time "shutting down" and I have a hard time going to bed unless all people are in their beds. 

And this is about all I have to say in this post.  Nothing profound... just thought that there might be someone out there that needs to hear this one statement:

Burning the midnight oil (staying awake) is not a wise choice!

It has very little benefit unless it is a very structured well thought out time that you will be spent accomplishing something important.  And it must have time constraints.  If you are staying up and dawdling about like I do you are better off going to bed right now and sleeping.  Right now!  I simply do not accomplish things well late at night.  In the morning I can hit the floor running, but at night I go into "sit down and dawdle mode".  If you have this problem, then go to bed!  Seriously, we have to realize it is like a domino effect.  Our tomorrows will not go as well as they could if we stay up burning the midnight oil and waste our precious rest.  It is like a downward spiral. 

When our bodies have rest we are more sane!  When we feel overwhelmed with our days rest can do wonders!

Going Without A Dishwasher... No More!

A little over a year ago we gave up using our dishwasher.  NOT because we wanted to… but because it just was not doing its job well any longer.   Our larger than average family had worn that poor thing out.  Of course, the timing was not the greatest as we were expecting our little Sienna at the time and we were quite busy.  We decided to hold off on buying a new dishwasher.  We were also trying to reach our goal of becoming debt free and decided that this could be a great “teachable moment” for our children.  Not only would they see that sometimes you must wait to make a purchase it would also be a time to teach them about washing dishes.  Over a year has passed and I think they can see that we have sacrificed and waited, so we are getting a new dishwasher (more about that in a moment).  Also, we learned that they can do the dishes quite well.  In fact they did not really even need this lesson I don’t think.  I think I learned more about them than I was teaching.  I learned that they really do learn just from observing… even when you do not realize they are observing.  Both Savannah and Sierra can wash the dishes and I really only had to tell them that you must wash the outside as well as the inside of all items.  To keep them from having an abundance of water waste I also learned that it was best to fill the rinse side of the sink with water rather than have water running for rinsing.  As far as drying we used our old dishwasher for our drying rack, so it was still serving a purpose in our home.  And if you do this it does have to be drained and cleaned periodically or you will get real nastiness going on (yes, we learned that the hard way).  I learned that they already knew how to stack dishes in the racks for drying.  They had learned this simply from observing.  They had seen and sometimes been a part of loading the dishwasher when it was working and mostly they had seen it being unloaded as this was the job they mostly helped out with.  Hand washing dishes is a great life skill to learn and there can be some wonderful moments spent working together.  Teamwork is so important in large families.  And sometimes we have to realize in a large family that the most efficient use of our time is best.  I can seriously load a dishwasher in mere moments… a good five minutes or less and I am done.  Hand washing takes on average 30-40 minutes (sometimes less), but you see there is a big difference.  And while my kids can learn from doing dishes, there are other jobs that they can do.  We never run out of jobs around here!  So, we decided that in the interest of saving our time (and our sanity) it was time to buy a new dishwasher… Oh and we have also reached our goal of being debt free and can pay cash for this dishwasher. 

I am super frugal, so this purchase was a hard one for me.  I like to buy the cheapest thing whenever possible and I hold to the theory that you are better off doing that with most things.  If I buy a $10 toaster it might not be the best, but you can buy four of them over the course of time rather than buy the $40 toaster.  I have even had that same theory in the past with dishwashers, but I think with our larger family we really need better quality in this area.  I don’t have to have the latest and greatest of everything.  While many people are constantly buying new cars my husband is driving a 1990 model (that’s 22 years old) and I am driving a 2002 (that’s 10 years old).  We buy many things second hand and we primarily purchase store brands.  We cut corners in a lot of areas, but we are going to splurge some in this area.  And I say splurge “some” because I am not going to spend extra to have a large handle on the outside and the buttons hidden.  I simply could care less about those details.  I am not spending extra on stainless either.  I don’t like stainless.  Yes, it is pretty, but it is all about the fingerprints here… black has the same issue to some degree… we are sticking with white… and that is going to save us about $300 dollars.  We are not getting the thousand dollar dishwasher, but we are getting the same quality.  When we went into the store I told them up front what I wanted: something that can handle a lot of use (2 runs a day or more); food chopper; white.  I was shown some things about dishwashers and a lot has changed since we bought our old one about seven years ago.  And I use the word “old” loosely because you would think an appliance would last longer than that.  Ours only lasted about six years and one lady told me that appliances now last on average 8-10 years… and that is all… sad.  Anyway, back to what we are getting… We are getting a Kitchenaid and the main reason is they come with the highest recommendation and are the only dishwashers that have a “food dispos-all” (not sure about spelling… that is the wording were told at two different locations”.  I also like that the one we are getting is metal inside to retain heat better, although I have some concerns about little ones getting burned by it.  The bottom water spinner has four arms and is also metal.  There is also some sort of power jets in the back for tough scrub items that no other dishwasher makes.  The racks are adjustable in all sorts of ways.  You can move the top one up or down and the little prongs that stick up can be folded up or down in some areas to allow for bigger items.  The removable utensil holder also separates I believe to make a smaller one if wanted.  Our control buttons are on the front, but there is a lock button you can hold down for a few seconds that locks control of the buttons to keep little ones from changing the settings.  This has never been a real issue at our house, but it is a nice feature to have.  We are buying and additional five year warranty and we made our purchase through Sears, so they have their OWN service personnel.  That is key when buying a warranty.  Some stores do not have that.  I think Conn’s and Sears may be the only ones in our area that do.  Due to warranty we are still paying a hefty price for it all, but a dishwasher is like having another arm in our home.  I think our total was $912 ($179 + tax for the warranty) … but if it lasts 9 years (hopefully MUCH longer) it will be worth the $100 per year it costs to save my sanity.  We are saving $149 + tax by installing it ourselves.  I do think we could just buy one for half the price and without the warranty and probably be just as well off… even if we have to buy two in the same time period.  So, if you are looking for a dishwasher I don’t necessarily think our choice should be the choice everyone makes.  You have to look at your budget and lifestyle.  We have sacrificed a lot where others would not and this is a “splurge” for us.  We are content to drive older cars, shop resale, buy used furniture and used dishes, use mismatched pots, buy cheap toilet paper, drink water when out to dinner and most times at home, search out secondhand appliances (sometimes), do our own remodel projects, etc..  We are “splurging” and we both agree this is a wise "splurge" for our family. 

Jump!

Jump!
... on the trampoline with your kids!
... when your 40... or 39.... whatever!
Just jump! 

Sitting Up Late

Sometimes I just sit up late.  It is "my time".  I don't really do anything, but let my mind go.  I read blogs or facebook, look at pinterest, work on school planning, shop online, or work on bills.  The crazy thing is that I stay up really late when I do this.... like 1:AM or 2:AM, so I try to not do this often.  It is exhausting, but sometimes I just need that time that is so quiet.  As I sit here I hear the train whistle.  I usually never notice the train whistle because life is whirling all around me.  I heard and ambulance speed through the streets a little while ago.  I often do not hear these sounds.  Amazingly, they are loud sounds, so it is interesting that I could not notice them.  But I do.  Sometimes there are many little voices talking all at once.  Sometimes there is this precious little three year old screaming at me.  Actually, that is quite often.  Whew!  That one has added a few gray hairs to my head.  She just does not understand how to speak to get what she wants.  She goes straight to the tantrum stage.  I have got to get better at handling her personality.  Often, I am unable to focus solely on guiding her.  She needs and extra dose of direction and guidance.  There are just sometimes when feeding an infant has to take first priority or putting that infant down for her nap.  That three year old sees no reasoning, but getting what she wants instantly.  I love her dearly.  I joke that it is a good thing she is cute.  And it is.  I also joke that if anyone ever stole her they would surely return her.  And they would.  She can make me twitch.  By noon time she exhausts me many days.  But I love here so!!  And that little guy in the house.... Well, he is.... busy... and rambunctious... and all boy.  And the two of them together are like a little mini hurricane running through the house... all... day... long.  And sometimes they just run through playing and giggling and talking about some jibber-jabber only the two of them understand and they have us all giggling.  Well, anyway.... sometimes you just need to sit up late.  :)

Dinner in a FRENZY

Lately, my life has been a bit more than I can handle.  Yes, I said it.  Life is not full of all the warm fuzzy feelings all the time and there are some things in my life that are just not getting resolved.  My frustration level is through the roof and it is a struggle to relax.  By dinner time everyday I feel like a failure.  And by this time everyday I have done a zillion things and I look around at what appears to be disaster around me and then, it is "crunch time"..... "crunch time" is that time when everything has to happen quickly to get the next goal accomplished.  Last night that goal was Wednesday night church services and at 5:00 PM I realized I had not made a plan for dinner.  Ughhhh!  And everyone needed to be at church by 5:45 PM.  Oh my!  Overwhelming!!  And I was throwing myself and all out fit in the process trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do.  My husband's solution was just to simply stay home and miss church since that is a rarity.  And I do get that, but I think the kids needed to be there.  So, the scramble began.  I pulled out some hamburger meat and threw it in a pot with a bit of water to super fast thaw it and cook it at the same time.  I cranked the stove up to high and was pleased to see this working even though I had no idea what that hamburger meat was going to be.  I also opened a couple of cans of green beans and got those seasoned up and going on high, of course. 

And just to say... I can not really able to convey to you the ridiculousness of the scene at hand.  I was crying and acting a fool.... yes, this is a "real" moment folks!  I am a poor planner.  I stink at it these days.  I wear way too many "hats" and I really need some other people to take over some of these "hats".  And I know where the problem stems and I know the solution {so this is not a good time to give me advice in this area}.  I just need some WILLING parties to step up.  Until they do, I am stuck in this situation. 

So, back to the scene... As I open every cabinet I realize I am out of just about anything that would turn this into an actual meal.  Mostly, the pantry stays stocked, but there are always those 4-5 items that you need at that moment that seem to have dissappeared.  But we did survive and I did come up with something and guess what?  I came up with a new dish my WHOLE FAMILY liked!!!! 

And God got me through this ridiculous moment! 

So, later when I am feeling absolutely crazy again I want to have this recipe availabe since it is sooooo quick.  I have a list of really quick meal ideas for busy days, but even those require defrosting meat ahead of time.  So this is what I did....

First, I took out about a pound of ground meat, which I freeze in one pound or half pound packs.  As I stated above I threw that in a pot with about two cups of water and turned the stove on high.  I occassionally flipped the meat and broke it apart.  Once the meat was cooked I poured in two cans of pinto beans and a package of taco seasoning.  While this was cooking I opened a can of refried beans and heated those in a glass bowl in the microwave with 1/4 cup of water and seasonings (1/2 tsp. onion powder, 1/2 tsp, salt, 1/4 tsp. garlic powder, 1/2 tsp. paprika .... approximate measures).  In another bowl I chopped up 1/2 cup of Velvetta & 1/2 cup of cream cheese and added 1/8 cup of water.  I microwaved this to melt stopping occassionally to stir.  Watch this cheese closely or you will have a cheesy mess in the microwave.  I quickly grabbed a baking pan and poured in some round tortilla chips.  I drizzled the beans over the chips... then, the cheese.... then, the meat/bean mixture.  I put this in the oven at 400 degrees and baked for a few minutes.  So, now you have nachos!  You could serve them this way or add trimmings (lettuce, tomatoes, olives, peppers, pica de gallo, guacamole, sour cream, etc. with salsa and dips and more chips). 

Now, this is rocket science kind of meal, but it saved me that night.  It is just one more meal to add to my "quick fix" selection of dinners.  I seem to have to rely on these more and more these days.  We ended up making it to church that night at about 6:00 PM.  The kids were a few minutes late, but they got there with food in their bellies. 

The following is a list of a few of my "Quick Fix Meals":
Nachos (above)
Taco Salad
Meaty Ranch Style Beans & Rice
Taco Soup
Beans & Rice with Cornbread
Broiled Boneless Thin Pork Chops, Green Beans, Mac-n-Cheese (or rice or other veggie)
Broiled Chicken Chunks with Sides (like the pork chops example)
Breakfast for Dinner

So, this is not a glamourous post, but it is life.... Just being real....

Way of Life

Sometimes I need to remind myself why I chose the name "Way of Life School" for our little homeschool.  I need to stop "homeschooling" and focus on our "way of life" being/guiding our school.  I think sometimes no matter how much I fight it I lose focus. 

A Boring Life

Please keep in mind this post is intended to be comical...to some degree.  ;)

I was just thinking yesterday that I would really like for life to be a little more on the boring side.  Lately, it has just been a little too exciting around here.  Now, of course, some of the exciting things like our precious little baby girl have been wonderful.  Other things have been a little exasperating.  In the first five weeks of that little baby girl's life we had three viruses run through this house and I got all of them, also.  As if it was not difficult enough to heal from a c-section... and the infection I had at the incision site... and the anemia that I developed.  And there are those moments like when I was in the hospital and my husband tells me he is going out of town in three weeks for the whole weekend.... and it so happens that that is when one of the viruses hit our home.  The night before he left Sahara was throwing up all night.  I was planning to do as little as possible and had set a very low expectation as not to become overwhelmed.  I was just going to do the basics and leave all the major chores until after the weekend, but all that throwing up left me with several loads of laundry that just would not wait.  Then, there were the twenty plus baby rabbits that had to be sold.  As we are trying to form a routine with the new baby and continuing schooling the phone was constantly ringing and people coming over to buy rabbits.  Oh it was pretty exciting!  It was fun, though!  And my older two girls really handled the rabbit sales and did a great job caring for the rabbits.  And they learned a lot about money management and commerce. 

Well, I could go on..... and on... and on.  I'll just end with a couple more, though.  Three mornings ago I was lying in bed and heard Caden crying out.  I thought he was having a bad dream and I did not run to him right away.  Within moments Sahara began screaming.  By this time they were both screaming and came running into my bedroom.... Caden was covered in blood!  A nosebleed.... a really bad nosebleed!  Imagine he wakes up bleeding and starts screaming, which awakens Sahara.  That poor baby awakened to the sight of her brother screaming and covered in blood.  It is quite funny looking back, but at the time we were all horrified.... and it made for another load of laundry, also! 

Yesterday, we had a busy day taking Sienna to the doctor and we had a homeschool co-op field trip to Gator Country (popular for the Gator 911 TV show).  We had a great time and returned home.  Savannah ran out to the back of our house to the rabbits and chickens.  She came running in the house very quickly with blood pouring from her foot!  She said she stepped on a stick and sure enough she held out her sandal and there was a stick still stuck up through the bottom!  That stick had punctured right into her foot.  Ouch!  It was in that moment that I looked at them all and thought, "I am ready for some boredom!"  After bandaging her up and cleaning up the blood, she hobbled around on crutches the rest of the day.  I am hoping she can get around today without those today. 

And that doctor's appointment for Sienna was to check some knots that I found on the back of her head.  I thought they were some sort of cysts.  We have been very concerned about those over the last week or so.  I am very happy to say that the doctor said they were just swollen lymph nodes.  I had no idea that there were lymph in the back of the head.  Even after having five children it seems there is always much more to learn.  And I am thankful for all my "reasons" to not have a boring life!  It would be nice if there was a little less bleeding around here, though...

Sunday Ponderings While Enjoying The Breeze

We have had some odd weather, so I am sitting outside enjoying a very sunny, breezy day.  No, I am not sweating even though I am in Sooutheast Texas.  Sienna is laying on me taking a nap cuddled close to my chest.  Cody just rocked Sahara to sleep after she pleaded (and won) her binky.  The older three kids are playing in the backyard in the new above ground pool (half filled) we bought and playing on their playground with their new (and only) neighbor child.  And I want to freeze time.....   So, I sit here with my thoughts.....

Life really is a matter of perspective and perspective is constantly changing.  Right now everything is great.  In an hour I could be fully stressed.  We have to focus on focusing on the "great".  Yes, "focus on focusing".  I love that it is Sunday and I am doing what I should be doing.... not working... resting.... somewhat resting.  Of course, there is always work to be done and some will get done, but my focus right now is resting.... rocking my precious baby... watching my precious children... enjoying the breeze. 

My mind goes quickly to the goals I want to reach... the list I ponder making, yet stop myself from.  It is a time to enjoy and not quickly lose by getting wrapped up in thoughts of "doing". 

I ponder this adorable bundle in my arms and wonder how God could possibly see me as fit to rear her.  As she lies in my arms dreaming and grinning I am truly overwhelmed with her perfect love.... or rather God's perfect love through her to share with me.  This week I am fully aware that she is not truly mine, but merely on loan to me from her Creator.  I am honored to be the only one that was chosen for this duty.  I pray that God will allow me to share her for many, many years to come.  I want to grow old rocking HER babies one day. 

And my thoughts wander back to a couple of weeks ago... We really have very little "control".  Danger is all around us and we can't save our children from it all.  Specifically, Caden shattered a glass top end table, but only suffered a couple of minor cuts.  From where I was sitting I could only see him fall, see glass flying, and hear the crash followed by Caden screaming.  I truly lost it.  I thought my baby boy was severely hurt.  I screamed something like, "My baby, my baby...." as I scrambled with Sienna asleep in my arms to get to him.  After an hour or so we had all calmed down and gotten the cuts doctored and the glass cleaned away.  But that moment confirmed what I have always known.  We can't truly protect them.  And they are merely on loan to us.  So, I want to freeze time.  I want to watch them fly down the slide... splash in the water... chase their siblings and their only neighbor child around the yard.... grin mischieviously.... and all the things they do.  Oh yeah, and cuddle this sleeping baby... listen to her squeak, sigh, coo.... watch her wiggle and grin.... feel her breathe... and breathe her in. 

It amazes me how love increases.  I find that holding and loving Sienna reminds me of loving all my others.  Amazingly, my love for her increases my love for each of them.  She reminds me to love them more. 

Where Have I Been? Focusing! & Baby Update

Well, no where really... right here at home taking care of my little family. Sometimes I think we just need to focus on what we have in front of us. I have missed blogging, but I have been really busy and I have spent a lot of time focusing. I have been focusing on:
... my kids and staying on track with their school
... staying up to some sort of "caught up" on laundry
... being what things we "need" in our lives and eliminating the things we don't need
... on being still and quiet as I prepare for the arrival of this little one
... and many other things.

I don't always stay focused, but I have been making a better effort of it lately. ;) My husband is well known for being a bit ADHD and tends to drag me around like a crazy woman and run me ragged. Even for him I am simply saying, "No, go if you want, but you are going to have to go alone." I realize there may be some of you out there that would not agree with that, but I have to take care of me and sometimes (usually) no one is going to do that but me. And trust me I am not very good at taking care of me, but on some level I am taking a stand during this busy season of my life. If I am not asked with consideration how I feel and how it affects me when my husband is making his spur of the moment plans, I simply point that out and say, "No." If he is saying that he wants to go to visit his parents two hours away I point out that I have stuff to prepare for the kids school and they are obviously not going to learn if I am not teaching them. It's working. By the way, my parents live two hours away, so this applies to seeing them, also. I simply have to slow down and do what I can manage. If I can't manage it, I don't need to be doing it.

Now, just a little update on my pregnancy...
I am 18 weeks, feeling great, getting round, hearing a strong 150-160 range heartbeat, not feeling movement due to caesarean nerve damage, anxiously awaiting feeling movement probably around the 20th week, using a midwife and loving that they come to your house, not getting enough exercise :( , and trying to avoid thinking of labor for now ;) , feeling and seeing my varicose veins surface (bleeeeek), thanking God that varicose veins go away after birth, eating healthy.... I think that is about it.

I will be using a midwife and that is very different. I have had four caesareans and only gone into spontaneous labor one time. Because of my birth history I can not use our local hospital. They will not allow attempts to VBAC. There are a couple of hospitals over two hours away that will allow VBACs, but I have decided with the midwives recommendation to stay home. The midwife says that mothers just react better to birth at home and it is much easier on the mother. Homebirth is not something I am completely comfortable with, but that is the route we have chosen. And that is why I have trying to be quiet and still and focused. I know that I need calm all around me right now. In the event that the midwife sees a need to transfer to the hospital we will make that decision and be able to be there in under 30 minutes. If that happens I will have to have a caesarean and if that is necessary I will be okay with that. I feel I am in good hands and my midwife has a history of good judgment calls.

One last thing and I am getting back to the reality that is calling all around me... I LOVE this time of year!!! This is my favorite time of year and I love the fall weather. I hope you all are enjoying your fall and if you live somewhere as hot as Southeast Texas I hope you are getting the relief we are enjoying right now.

Letting the FUN Happen

Sometimes it is so hard to just let life be lived. Sometimes we just have to let the fun happen. Some of the most burden relieving advice I get it is when a homeschool mother says not to worry about teaching your kids a thing for now. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful neighbor who has five children (four of them or grown and gone on) and she tells me all the time that you really do not have to teach your kids until around nine or older. Just let them play and read to them and play games with them and enjoy them. Her four older grown and gone children are successful. I am not sure all of what they do, but one just got his law degree a year ago. So, they are not lacking in their education.

Another friend has advised me to "do the opposite of what you think you should do".

Today I was visiting with a friend that has five children with her oldest being fourteen and she said that you really do not need to teach them grammar until they are older. We discussed that earlier in the year my husband (the public school English teacher) comment on my 3rd graders Grammar work being the same as what he uses for his 7th grade students. So, they spend four years repeating the same thing. Now, I do realize repetition drills it in the heads, but I have a feeling that they teach it for four plus years is more about the fact they are not given one on one teaching. My 3rd grader gets it and it is not that she is a genius. Anyway, today my friend was saying that really she thinks it is not necessary to teach Grammar/English until probably 7th grade.

And I hear that there is a book called "Better Late Than Early", although I have never read it. I hear that it is wonderful. Maybe one day I will read it. Maybe you will have the time to do it sooner than I and you can learn from it.

I am so struck by how intelligent these children are! Do we really need to rush them.

The lady I was talking to today said that the best thing you can do is focus on character while they are young. Amazing to talk to her about this because that has been what has been on my heart this past week. All the academics in the world is going to be worthless if they have poor character. A very wise comment she made was that it is much harder to shape their character when they are older and it is just so important to do that part while they are young. Another thing that she was talking about was teaching your children to serve their daddy and to make him feel special when he is home.

We let the fun happen today..... after their playtime with friends I usually try to do their school with them before Daddy gets home... and some while he is there sometimes. Today I let them play while I rocked the baby and did a few things. When their daddy got home they played together. Wii have a Wii, you see ;) ... but my kids rarely get to play it. It was a gift from grandparents and they probably get to play it less than once per month. I know... no fun.... so, today they played the Wii with Daddy while I watched them from the kitchen doing my cooking and laundry. It was nice to just let them play today... and to see their daddy come home and just get to play with them without the stress of "what to do next".

I have a hard time with this... feeling like I am not giving them what they need... like I am not preparing them for life... yet, I know it is better to prepare them non-academically.... to mold their character and their spirituality.

Today the kids played with other homeschool buddies... went in their new secret wooded clubhouse... jumped on the trampoline.... climbed trees.... got stuck in trees ;) .... watched TV.... played with their siblings... played the Wii with Daddy.... made a new friend played with her.... drank hot chocolate even though it is not cold at all... We just let the fun happen!

And you know what? We are doing it again tomorrow! Crazy huh?! We are going to homeschool co-op, then to the park. We might run an important errand.... and I doubt we will do very little of our "school work" ... and that will put us behind.... again... but that's okay because we have friends coming over on Saturday and we are going to let some more fun happen. ;)

Just posting this to say.... RELAX and ENJOY your kids. What is life really about if we don't enjoy this. God gave them to us to enjoy them!

School Memories Christmas Ornaments

I am just brainstorming here! As I was taking the ornaments off my tree I was looking at a little handpainted ceramic ice skate ornament I made the year Savannah first ice skated. Then, there's the ornament of a pregnant lady and spouse for the year Sierra was in my belly and there are little blue handblown glass booties for the year Caden arrived.... many moments are captured on our tree. It just got me thinking that throughout the year while we make all these school projects how interesting it would be to if we created some of these projects in the form of ornaments... and I am taking about the traditional Christmas ones. Imagine a tiny baby doll decorated as an indian when you study about indians in your schooling. As the years go by of decorating the family Christmas tree each year you will see that little indian doll and remember when you studied the indians with your children. Of course, it would be difficult to do this with every project and I am not sure you want that many ornaments, but maybe it would be a nice thing for some of them. Bringing something back from a field trip that could be added to your ornaments is another great idea. A photo in a frame or a special glass ball that is decorated (painted, collaged, etc.). I am trying so hard this year to think of ways to pre-plan for the next Christmas... like gift buying throughout the year... making gifts that the kids can give to each other or us or the grandparents, etc. I used to do that sort of thing, but as each child has added to the family it is harder to pre-plan anything. LOL!!! Anyway, just wanted to share a crafty idea for a Merry Christmas in 2010 and the years to come!

ATTITUDE

My attitude is dangerous....

Not always that it is bad, but that I just want to "chill".

I want to let the kiddos play and do what kids do best and I want to sit back and watch and "chill" (sit back and do very little).

Confession time! I don't want to do school!

I know that I should want to... I know they have to learn something

... and their little brains need some stimulation, but...

I also love to watch them play.

But it is dangerous....

I know it sets them up to be lazy and unaccomplished.

I know that if I sit around being idle I send the wrong impression to them.

I become the bad example!

Yet, they are only young once...

and I want them to enjoy it, too.

It is such a hard balance to find, but...

we are working on it.

We are trying to get in a groove and I am taking a

"gentle approach"

to getting back into our schooling this week.

Because it is my attitude I am trying to control....

I know that I am not doing enough "schooly" stuff,

but I am not getting overwhelmed and freaking out, either.

If I am freaking out they are learning THAT is the way to handle

life's issues.

So, I am watching my attitude....

so, they will develop a better attitude.

Many times I hear people (even myself) complaining

about their kids bad attitude

and I think that they are what we teach them to be....

Raise your hand if you see your bad attitude in your kids..

MINE is raised! Guilty!! Ughhhh!! That stings!

I am their example of what their attitude should be like.

When I see them grit their teeth,

I know where they learned it.

(..and we will stop with that little detail... hehehehe!)

ALL of my bad attitutudes seem to reveal themselves through my children

They are the seeds I sow....

they are fed with the watering I bring

...and they are tended and cared for by ME!

It's not all pretty to admit, but it is important to admit!!!

Our attitudes will become their attitudes and later...

when we are fussing at them for their bad attitude...

it will be our own bad attitude in reality.

Confused? Ponder it awhile! Read it again.

Watch your children and see who YOU see.

Is it good or is it bad?

Just Wanted To Say This....

Have YOU Hugged Your Kids Today?

And I am talking to myself here, too! I used to hug my kids all the time, but I have realized that there are days that I find myself wondering if I did hug each of them. Do you ever feel that way? My two littles are always in my arms, but sometimes I am finding that I am not hugging the older ones as much. We have to find that time... make that time...

I used to be able to say that I always hugged and kissed them at night, but now my husband puts the older ones in bed while I rock the babysometimes and I miss out on that goodnight hug and kiss. It is a source of frustration to me because I know that I need it and they need it.

Go HUG your kids!

Meek and Quiet...

Ahhhhhh... to be meek and quiet... must be nice! I wanted share this for any of you out there who struggle in this area. I am reading this book right now:

Homeschooling With A Meek And Quiet Spirit

by Teri Maxwell

available on the http://www.titus2.com/ website.

(and I am not getting paid to advertise for them... just paid by the blessings it is to read their books!!)

I have to be totally honest here... I have never desired to have a meek and quiet spirit. Well, maybe a little, but for the most part I think we are raised thinking we are supposed to be bold and brassy and get it all "OUR WAY" all the time. I think we are so programmed to think that the world is all about US and what we can get out of it... We are generation of tantrum throwers and fit pitchers and we are much like infants falling on the floor hammering our fists away in a big ole ridiculous fit!! It is all about me, me, me and "what I need to get out of this" in every situation we encounter. This summer I attended a workshop and one of the presenters made a comment that when you begin your homeschooling journey God will start to work on your "issues". She confirmed for me what I had already been experiencing, but you think you must be the only one on the planet with "issues".

A few years ago I started watching the occasional episodes about this mega family on TLC, The Duggar Family. I think I have seen EVERY episode ... seriously, from when they only had thirteen children. I DVR it and watch it like it is my "How do I do it all?" session. My thoughts are that if they can do it with all those kiddos, then I can surely learn from them... and I have! I have learned so much and they even played a huge role in my decision to home school. But the thing that strikes me as interesting the most probably is their spirit about doing it all. How does one maintain that calm? And how did they ever get that way to begin with? How is it that they are so soft spoken and gentle, yet respected and obeyed? Was it all their parents doing? Or is it more than that? Is it simply a choice they have made... whether deliberately or not? Over the last year I have been tested and ~wow!~ have I ever failed hard! Homeschooling has brought out all my "issues"... I have had to search myself deeply. I desire that meek and quiet spirit that I see in the Duggar home, but I think I had resolved to the fact that it was just not "my personality" and that was something that I could not fully change; HOWEVER, I made another discovery this summer that would change AND CHALLENGE that thinking. I was so blessed to obtain some of the Maxwell books for a huge bargain (you know me.. gotta get it on the cheap... most of the time). I read the book "Manager's of Their Home School" (review coming one day) and I was quite to read that Teri Maxwell spent many years battling depression an anger issues. Wow! I had built her up in my mind to be one of "those" perfect homeschool moms! She clearly admits that is just not so and I have been so blessed by her sharing such personal details of her life to help others. I decided that I needed to read more about what she had to share and I went to the Titus2 website and ordered this book along with the study guide (for only a couple dollars more)... and a collection of family novels written by their daughter, which I can't hardly wait to read. "Homeschooling With A Meek And Quiet Spirit" is a thin book which it makes it very attainable to reach the goal of completing reading it. I am loving it.. and not because it is just enjoyable to read, but because I know it can help me change my spirit. I highly recommend it even if you have only small "issues". This is my plan for reading the book:

• I am going to read through it all the way one time, while answering the "Application Project pages" only in my mind for now.
• I am going to re-read the book along with the study guide and journal my thoughts for the "Application Project pages" and the questions that are included in the Study Guide.
• Then, I am going to do it, again.
• Then, again...and again... until who knows when.... that is my goal.

We should all desire a meek and quiet spirit... and we should all know that it is possible!!