Saturday, January 30, 2016
Life is Like a Dance
My oldest daughter says I should blog, again. I really did not mean to stop but life is busy and things happen. Not all things are good, so not all things inspire us to keep writing. I guess in the midst of some rough times I just really did not feel like "talking". It's time to talk, I suppose. I know at one point I shared about my third miscarriage (this month is the two year anniversary of that miscarriage). I started blogging again some time after that and after we had made the decision to move. I shared some of the beginnings of our new life on our our SIX acres (so, I really need to update my blog cover page). It was shortly after that I had my fourth miscarriage. I really closed up in many ways... the blog was one of those. That has been well over a year now. I can hardly believe the time has passed. In many ways I have healed emotionally but in many ways I am very broken. It's like a dance of two steps forward, one step back. I have realized that each miscarriage in my life has escalated panic attacks for me. I can wake up like today thinking I am going to do big things... and then, the sense that "I can't" creeps in and I sit frozen in a panic attack. I guess I no longer feel "capable". I used to feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. Now, I just don't feel like I can. I have never really felt that way so I don't know how to fix it. It is a day to day walk for me. In many ways I have learned to move forward, but again it is like that dance... two steps forward and one back. I have come so far but I have so far to go.