Life is Like a Dance

My oldest daughter says I should blog, again.  I really did not mean to stop but life is busy and things happen.  Not all things are good, so not all things inspire us to keep writing.  I guess in the midst of some rough times I just really did not feel like "talking".  It's time to talk, I suppose.  I know at one point I shared about my third miscarriage (this month is the two year anniversary of that miscarriage).  I started blogging again some time after that and after we had made the decision to move.  I shared some of the beginnings of our new life on our our SIX acres (so, I really need to update my blog cover page).  It was shortly after that I had my fourth miscarriage.  I really closed up in many ways... the blog was one of those.  That has been well over a year now.  I can hardly believe the time has passed.  In many ways I have healed emotionally but in many ways I am very broken.  It's like a dance of two steps forward, one step back.  I have realized that each miscarriage in my life has escalated panic attacks for me.  I can wake up like today thinking I am going to do big things... and then, the sense that "I can't" creeps in and I sit frozen in a panic attack.  I guess I no longer feel "capable".  I used to feel like I could do anything I set my mind to.  Now, I just don't feel like I can.  I have never really felt that way so I don't know how to fix it.  It is a day to day walk for me.  In many ways I have learned to move forward, but again it is like that dance... two steps forward and one back.  I have come so far but I have so far to go.