I was having a rough time with Savannah today and I just can't help feeling that we are not doing this homeschooling thing right even with all the changes I've made. Today should have been perfect... I awoke to my husband having the older two girls all ready for the day and shortly after Caden awoke while I was dressing. My husband dressed him and had them all eating breakfast by the time I came in a few minutes later with Sahara still in her pj's. My husband quickly left for work. Everyone was in good spirits and I was thinking this was going to be a most glorious day. Until..... I started trying to get things accomplished. Not big things... Just simple things that you have to do to get through the day like clearing the table and moving on to brushing your teeth, so you can get on with the rest of the day. Once we moved on to homeschooling it just seemed to have a snowball effect. Things went from bad to worse. It is not a matter of capability, but rather of distractability and lack of focus. I just got in the "I can not do this" mode. So, I went searching for "how to love homeschooling". I really want to love it and not just endure it. Does this speak to anyone out there. I know most of you out there seem to love homeschooling, but I am just not there completely. I was loving it over the last week and a half, but that is not much of a track record. Guess what? Nothing comes up when you do that search, by the way, so I typed in "love homeschooling" and eventually came to this link http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/SandyinMD/223183/?#c1334073 written in 2006. Go read it. Okay, so maybe I just still have to give myself time to adjust to this life. It's a major life change. And as I ponder it I recall that when Savannah went off to preschool, etc. that was a major life change, too. I had to adjust to that and I did to some degree.... I mean, you feel like you have to do that and you really do not have a choice... or, at least, I felt that way. With homeschooling it is all a choice. And because it is not the norm it is a very intimidating choice. Okay, so I am confident in my choice, though... okay, so maybe it doesn't sound that way, but I have had a hard day at this today. I am not confident in my abilities. I started out not being confident in my abilities to actually teach, but I am over that. It is more than that... I am not confident in my ability to make it enjoyable and they actually learn. I can get them to play all day... even with some learning mixed in, but by the time they are Savannah's age (3rd grade) and sooner they have more they need to learn than I can teach without a worksheet. I can not teach division, etc. without a worksheet. I can explain the process, but they still have to have the worksheet to apply what we learn. So, it frustrates me when we sit here for 30 minutes and I look down and there is nothing written on a page!!!.. and they are staring around a room. So, anyway... I have searched and I am changing, yet another thing in our homeschool day. We will do all things "schooly" and then, Savannah will go of somewhere on her own to do her math. Maybe she will get it done that way. Arghhhhh!! I just hope that works, because public school starts next week and it was looking like a good option today.... I know, I know... I can't even think that way!! There is just no going back... only moving forward and I have to learn with them how to cope!! Recently, a homeschool mom told me (in a workshop presentation) that when you start homeschooling you have to deal with your own issues and that she learned she has an anger issue. I have many issues and I have to learn to deal with them... and NOW! Double Argghhhhhh!!! So, I am trying and I am trying to step up and really be the mom that we all should be trained to be... only we missed the treaining session by about a hundred years. :) I have always wanted to spend time with my kids, but now that I am it is so hard that for the first time ever I find myself wanting not to. It's not that I don't want to be with them, it is just that the pressure to succeed at this is so overwhelming. Anyway,... I could type a novel, but my husband just drove up and life must go on... back to the reality of it all. Thanks for following my craziness. Hope it helps you all not feel this way, otherwise writing this is all in vain. We have to fight these crazy feelings.